My Sister-In-Law Is Telling the Whole Family About the Big Gift I’m Giving Her Kids. I’m Just Finding Out. (2024)

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I am very close to my only niece. My brother divorced her mom after he had an affair. It was a total mess and my niece came to live with me for a year. His current wife has two kids in college and one in high school. They have only been married for about two years.

My niece graduated this spring from college and as a gift, I gave her a large lump sum after I sold some property. Apparently, word got back to my sister-in-law and now she thinks I will give similar gifts to her children. She has made direct mentions to other family members.

I am very upset since I haven’t even met one of her kids and have little to no relationship with the other ones. My brother and I have had trouble connecting since his second divorce and his third marriage. I personally thought it was way too fast. What should I do here? Bring up the subject or ignore it until it is obvious that the money isn’t coming?

—Not Ms. Money

Dear Not Ms. Money,

If your sister-in-law’s behavior is bothering you enough to write to us about it, it’s probably worth addressing now. Plus, the sooner she knows what to expect—or not to expect—the less time she’ll have to build the idea up only to be let down later.

So how in the world do you bring this up? I would start by simply asking her if what you’ve heard is true: that she’s telling other people you’ll be giving her kids money. In other words, don’t start the conversation with an accusation. From there, you can tell her that yes, you gave your niece a financial gift, and you didn’t mean to cause any confusion, but it’s not something you’re planning to do for all of the kids. Best case scenario, there was some kind of communication mishap, you clear it up on the spot, and the two of you can move on.

If she pushes back, you shouldn’t have to defend your decision—it’s your money and frankly, none of her business how you spend it—but I wouldn’t get into the fact that you don’t know her kids. I would focus on the relationship you had with your niece, especially when her parents were going through a tough time and you became her caregiver. If your sister-in-law keeps trying to harp on the subject, calmly but firmly let her know this is your final decision and the topic is off-limits. It doesn’t sound like you’re close to your brother, and this might make that relationship more complicated, but it’s better to nip this kind of thing in the bud.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I have a small amount of medical debt (about $3,000) that embarrassingly has gone to collections. I make enough money to pay this off easily, yet I’m afraid to talk to my partner about it. The debt is about two years old and doesn’t seem to have impacted my credit score (yet), but I’d like to settle it as soon as possible. What I keep getting stuck on is how to pay off the debt. Whenever I start to look it up, I get overwhelmed by people who say to never speak to a collections agent, pay it through a certified check, but make sure you’re addressing it to the right agent. What’s the best way to efficiently and quickly settle debt that’s been sent to collections, and how do I do it in a secure manner?

—Should Have Paid It Three Years Ago

Dear Paid,

You shouldn’t have to be embarrassed about your debt. The U.S. healthcare system makes situations like this extremely common—more than 100 million people are saddled with healthcare debt. Finding a way out can be confusing because the whole system itself is confusing. Collections agencies can capitalize on this and manipulate you, and that’s probably why you’re hearing that you should avoid them. But more often than not, they’re willing to work with you and just want to collect on the amount owed. As long as you get everything in writing before you pay them, you should generally be OK. Here’s a brief step-by-step guide that might be useful to you or anyone else paying off or settling a debt:

Typically, you’ll be in contact with the creditors or collection agencies in charge of your past-due debt, agree on an amount, pay it off, and then the debt is out of your life (but maybe not your credit report—more on that later). If your debt has gone to collections, I assume you’re dealing with a collection agency rather than the original creditor. This means the original creditor sold the debt to the collections agency. If the agency can get you to pay back any of the debt, they profit as long as the amount you pay back is less than what they paid for it. In your case, it sounds like you can afford to pay it off in full, but if you want, you can still try to negotiate and settle for a smaller amount.

Reach out to the collections agency, have a conversation, and get everything in writing. Of course, they’re going to ask for the full amount, and you can agree to pay it off at once or over time with a payment plan. Whatever you decide, ask them to send it in a written letter before you pay them anything.

If you choose to negotiate with them on a reduced amount, you can typically get it down to about 40-50 percent. A script for this might look something like, “Due to financial hardship, I can only afford to pay about $1,500 of this debt. I’m happy to pay that amount in full to settle this debt.” If you go this route, make it clear that this is the amount you will pay to settle and close the account. And I can’t stress this enough, get everything in writing: the amount you’ve agreed to pay back, the name of the company you will pay, details about the original debt (including what it was for, account numbers, the original amount), and the due date for the settled amount.

Also, the three nationwide credit reporting agencies now have certain rules against reporting medical debt, which might explain why this hasn’t yet affected your credit score. Once you pay the debt off, it should no longer show up on your report. A few more things to keep in mind: It sounds like you’re well aware of this debt, but it might be worth asking the collections agency for a letter of validation once they reach out to you. It states exactly what the debt is for, when it was incurred, and how much you owe. Again, it doesn’t hurt to have a paper trail for everything. And people are probably telling you to pay with a certified check made out to the agent so that you have some clear proof of payment, but a regular check should provide the same proof. Either option works.

You shouldn’t have to hide this from your partner. Medical debt is extremely common and the more you can get on the same page about your finances, the stronger your relationship will be.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My sweet mother died suddenly six years ago. She left a living trust naming me to inherit everything. I didn’t know what the will would be until after she died. This left big trouble for me with my older brother. However, my mother left me a note saying that she supported my brother for 25 years while he served a prison sentence. My mother said that he would get no more. Of course, my brother feels I coerced her into leaving me everything. I absolutely didn’t. So, six years have passed and my brother has wanted nothing to do with me and has bad-mouthed me at every chance. Well, the other day my brother called me out of the blue, telling me he forgave me. He said he wasn’t ready to see me yet but that he prayed about it and the Lord led him to forgive me. I’m weary though very happy that he called. I just feel that he will never get over being left out of the will. Where do I go from here? My mother and I were very close and I cared for her during the time my brother was locked up.

—Brother Is Mad

Dear Mad Brother,

Money has a way of making grief even more complicated. It can bring up some painful experiences, and that’s likely what’s happening with your brother. It’s great that he feels ready to reach out to you, but I would be careful about moving forward with his side of the story.

I get the sense that you’ve told your brother the truth—maybe not the part about your mother’s letter, but your point about not coercing her. Clearly, he never accepted that and still blames you for the inheritance. At this point, it might not be worth the time or effort of trying to further convince him or work through these deeper family issues. It sounds like he’s come to terms with what happened, and maybe the best way forward, for him at least, is to keep the past in the past and move on from it.

If you do connect with him, I would let him know that you’re happy to have a relationship with him again and that you’re glad that he feels forgiveness, but you’re still not taking responsibility for coercing your mother. You can tell him that you will accept that he doesn’t believe you if it means that he’s come to terms with the situation and that you can both move forward. I would position it this way to avoid any deeper conflict in the future, because it sounds possible that he might hold this “forgiveness” over you.

See where it goes from there. Your brother might have some words to say on the matter, which might give him closure. If you want to keep a relationship with him, be willing to hear him out, but again, I would be wary of unconditionally accepting his forgiveness because he might see it as you admitting that you played a role in manipulating your mother’s decision. You don’t want your relationship to be all about his feelings at the expense of repressing your own—and you don’t want him to continue to badmouth you to family. It takes two people to make a relationship work, so hopefully you can both agree on how to bury this particular hatchet. Your relationship with your brother might not be perfect, but at least the lines of communication will be open.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I are in our mid-40s and in a good year, we average a household income of about $800,000. We’ve climbed up to the tops of our fields and are making great salaries that followed suit. We have two kids (both still in elementary school). We live in an expensive city and own our (small) home. We go on nice vacations at least twice a year if not more, and can afford to send our kids to school, put them in various extracurriculars after school, babysitters, etc. We’re very well off! I know this, of course, logically. But why doesn’t it feel that way? It constantly feels like we’re trying to keep up with the other families that run in our circles and keep up appearances. We spend probably way too much on said vacations, eating out or smaller luxuries like Uber Eats, and the like. I’m constantly worrying about the next career move that I might need to make in order to get that next raise. How do I break out of this mindset? Do we need a budget just to prove to myself that we are in fact doing just fine and don’t need to worry about the next thing? Seriously, how does one make peace with this?

—Money Should Buy Peace!

Dear Money Should Buy Peace,

It’s hard to get off the hamster wheel when you’re going so fast. Part of what might be making you anxious is the idea that if you stop working so hard—to keep up appearances, to hit the next milestone —you’ll lose everything. Of course, this is an irrational fear because it sounds like you’ve got a big, healthy nest egg. But our emotions about money don’t always follow logic or reason.

A financial therapist can help you work through some of those anxieties and worries you describe. The financial psychologist Brad Klontz, for instance, talks about the four money “scripts” that complicate our relationship and behavior with our finances. It sounds like you might follow a “money status“ script. That is, you believe that having the best stuff, or the best job, is indicative of your self-worth as a person. The “money worship” script also seems pertinent here. Klontz writes, “Money Worshipers believe that money is the key to happiness. They feel that the solution to their problems is to have more money. At the same time, they believe that one can never have enough money. They find that the pursuit of money never quite satisfies them.” I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, nor do I know your history with money, but everything you describe seems to fit both of these descriptions pretty well.

Start by reading up on those scripts and challenge some of your notions and approaches to your finances. If you can find the time, book even just one session with a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing—it could be a huge boon to your mental health. They’ll give you more specific advice and might suggest some practical things you can try to challenge your notions about money. This might look like volunteering in your community or spending time away from your social circle. After all, what’s the point of having so much money if you still feel so stressed and anxious about earning more of it? You want to get to a place where it’s in the background of your life and you can focus on what really matters.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

My partner and I (both male) have been together for two years. He’s wonderful and I love him immensely. His family went through a rough patch when he was a kid; his parents could no longer take care of him, so he lived with an aunt until he was 10 years old. In that time he suffered from a variety of behavior disorders and underwent intensive therapy. He’s pretty much fine now: loving, caring, attentive, socially intelligent. The one “leftover” from this tumultuous childhood is his eating habits. His aunt fed him a steady diet of chicken fingers, pizza bagels, and spaghetti without sauce. He maintained this diet through college and up till now. We live together but it’s not an issue in our individual meals. The problems arise when we cook for each other or eat out (at a restaurant or someone else’s home).